if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
