have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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