I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
