You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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