Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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