mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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