It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
