I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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