omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.