i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere