The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
