Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
