I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
