I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
