all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Randomize
