Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
