did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
