Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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