Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
