During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
