Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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