Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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