dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
