I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
