I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
