I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
