I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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