They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
