Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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