He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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