I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
