The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
