The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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