fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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