I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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