Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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