Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
