mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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