hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I only lived at night.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
