Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
