dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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