How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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