Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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