Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
