The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
