My liver just broke up with me...
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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