I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
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If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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