there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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