why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
