yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
