i may or may not be watching the land before time
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
