Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
