Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
