I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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