So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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