Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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